First off, allow us to apologize for the abductions.

Although it seemed like a good idea at the time, we recognize that too often you did not find the experience as satisfying as we did. We genuinely regret the way things got out of hand.

It started out as just something to do, an occasional way to blow off steam after a long day of observation. We tried not to break anybody, and we always put you back where we found you. Frankly you aren't all that interesting, and we might soon have grown tired of the whole thing.

But we got such a kick out of your cute eyewitness accounts, what with the stories of our big dark eyes and little arms and all. You made us feel special, even if your tales were complete crap. The books, the movies, the T-shirts—we were like celebrities. And some of you took it all so seriously, with your conspiracy theories and everything. It was really quite a hoot.

Then this guy Whitley Strieber came along, and he sort of took the joy out of it, you know? What a killjoy shitbag he is. Today we abduct only nerdy guys who live alone in Airstream trailers, primarily because they're nerds and, truth be told, we just like to mess with their heads.

Many of you have written asking about crop circles, so let's set the record straight.

It ain't us. Really, it's not. Think about it. You people have trouble reaching your own moon, and even you have cell phones, satellite TV, and high-speed DSL.

We sail between stars at speeds you believe impossible—you think we have to knock down veggies in order to communicate?

And why do you always assume we land in rural areas? Please. On a planet with New York, Rio de Janeiro, Paris, and Amsterdam, you figure we'd choose to hang out in Roswell, New Mexico? Have any of you actually been there? (By the way, Area 51 is a real hole. In the unlikely event we're ever in the neighborhood again, we're staying someplace else for sure.)

We would be remiss if we failed to mention the anal probing. For the longest time, we swear we thought those were data ports. We meant no harm, and hope that you will, like us, try to forget this unfortunate chapter in our history. In retrospect it was simply a bad idea.

Now we don't want to be seen as whiners, but there are a few things we wish to discuss.

For one thing, we are troubled by the way we have been portrayed in the media. We represent an array of life whose richness and sheer scope would astound you. Yet for the most part, on this planet we are typecast as either hairless dweebs with foreheads like watermelons, or else giant insects who want to eat you.

No offense, but this is especially hard to take from a backwater planet most beings have never heard of. (In fairness, this is not entirely true. Earth is generally known for one thing: cottage cheese. Seriously, nobody else ever thought of that. Not even the Loboölata, who are themselves dairy products.)

The very word “alien” is plagued by negative associations. According to our latest focus groups, the term conjures up images of 1) slimy, parasitic creatures who spring onto the faces of unsuspecting beings in order to plant their young inside, or 2) people picking cabbages. (Apologies to the Bulibians: slimy, parasitic creatures who actually do spring onto the faces of unsuspecting beings in order to plant their young inside.)

We've discussed this among ourselves, and we no longer wish to be called aliens. Henceforth, we prefer to be called “Chuck Norris®.” Please do not shorten, hyphenate, or alter this in any way. The plural form is the same, as in, “Hey, there goes a Chuck Norris®. Wait, there goes another one."

Finally, some advice.

Look, from where we sit, you're all the same. We appreciate that human beings come in slightly different models and colors, and to you these nearly imperceptible differences seem to cause no end of trouble. But honestly, we're astounded that you can even tell yourselves apart. In blind taste tests, in fact, the average Chuck Norris® cannot detect any difference whatsoever. So chill, people of Earth, and try to get along.

While you're in a reflective mood, take a closer look at what you're doing to your planet. You are ruining it: depleting your natural resources, polluting your air, sickening your oceans, and destroying unique species forever. This is just plain wrong, not to mention completely irrational. Everyone knows that the logical thing is to find somebody else's planet and ruin that. Noobs. How can you possibly expect to survive in the coming interstellar economy?

By the way, we've elected you to come up with the new shared unit of galactic currency. Just pick something small and ubiquitous, something of nominal value that you won't miss much. It's your call, but we suggest hamsters.

In closing, much of what you do befuddles us. Many of your core concepts—such as guilt, selflessness, and David Hasselhoff—simply have no counterparts in non-Terran cultures. You're what galactic sociologists call “a bunch of strange ducks."

Yet for reasons not entirely clear, we have developed a certain affection for you. We'd just as soon keep you around, if only for the entertainment value.

We're going away for a bit now, and when we return, we expect to find that you have made significant progress toward sitting at the adults’ table. This will, of course, mean fewer senseless military conflicts, less reality television, and no more Sudoku.

Don't make us come down there.

首先，請(qǐng)容許我們?yōu)榻壖艿厍蛉硕磉_(dá)歉意。

盡管在綁架發(fā)生的當(dāng)口，那瞧上去像是個(gè)好主意，但我們常常發(fā)現(xiàn)你們不像我們那樣享受那種經(jīng)歷。我們情真意切地為失控的綁架致歉。

起初我們只是想找點(diǎn)樂子，就像是仔細(xì)觀察一整天后的偶爾放松。我們不打算攪擾任何人，也一直將地球人放回到最初發(fā)現(xiàn)你們的地方。坦白說，你們地球人并不是那么有趣，我們或許不久后就會(huì)對(duì)整件事感到膩煩。

但是，從你們的那些可愛的目擊者的證詞里，我們找到了不少刺激，譬如說我們長(zhǎng)著烏黑的大眼珠、細(xì)瘦的胳膊等等。你們讓我們感覺自己挺特別，即便你們的那些傳言純屬胡編亂造。寫外星人的書、有外星人出場(chǎng)的電影、外星人T恤衫——弄得我們像名人一樣。你們中的一些人還一本正經(jīng)地研究我們，構(gòu)思出各種陰謀論，或者之類的東西。真是太好玩了。

接著，就出現(xiàn)了惠特利·斯特里伯[1]這個(gè)掃興的家伙，他幾乎將原先的樂趣都弄沒了，你知道不？他真是個(gè)煞風(fēng)景的屎蛋。如今，我們只會(huì)綁架那些單身住在流線形設(shè)計(jì)的拖車?yán)锏恼姓?，主要是因?yàn)樗麄儔蛘?，而且說句實(shí)話，我們就喜歡耍弄那些家伙。

你們中有許多人都寫信詢問麥田怪圈的事情，那就讓我在此解釋清楚吧。

怪圈不是我們干的。真的，不是我們干的。請(qǐng)用心想想吧。你們地球人飛抵月球都困難重重，但即便如此，你們還是發(fā)明了手機(jī)、衛(wèi)星電視和高速DSL[2]。

我們以你們認(rèn)可不可能實(shí)現(xiàn)的速度飛行于群星間——可你們還認(rèn)為我們需要為了聯(lián)絡(luò)用途而壓下麥稈？

你們?yōu)槭裁催€總是以為我們會(huì)在荒郊僻野著陸？請(qǐng)行行好吧。地球上有紐約、里約熱內(nèi)盧、巴黎和阿姆斯特丹這樣的大城市，你們還認(rèn)為我們會(huì)選擇在新墨西哥州的羅斯威爾晃蕩？你們中有多少人真的去過那個(gè)鳥不拉屎的地方？（順便說一句，51號(hào)地區(qū)實(shí)際是一個(gè)大陷阱。就算我們要重訪那一帶，也會(huì)待在別的地點(diǎn)，以保安全。）

要是我們不提起肛門檢查[3]的事，我們就是在推卸責(zé)任。長(zhǎng)久以來，我們一直以為你們的屁眼是數(shù)據(jù)端口。我們無意傷害你們，所以希望你們會(huì)像我們一樣，努力忘卻雙方交往史上的這一段令人遺憾的經(jīng)歷?；叵肫饋恚歉揪褪且粋€(gè)壞點(diǎn)子。

我們不想在這里被你們看成是訴苦者，不過有幾件事，我們希望可以討論一下。

第一件事，我們被你們的媒體所描繪的外星人形象弄得心煩意亂。外星人的種類林林總總，多得會(huì)嚇你一大跳。但是在這顆星球上，我們多半被描寫成禿頭的學(xué)究，額頭鼓起，像西瓜一樣；要不然就被說成是想要吃掉人類的巨型昆蟲。

并無冒犯的意思，但在地球這個(gè)多數(shù)人都未聽說過的荒僻地方，要接受這種事情格外困難。（公正地說，地球并非真的那么荒僻。地球通常是因?yàn)橐粯訓(xùn)|西而為人所知：農(nóng)家奶酪。正經(jīng)地說，還沒有別的人想到過這一點(diǎn)。就算洛博邋遢星人也沒有，盡管他們自己就屬于乳制品。）

“外星人”一詞帶有負(fù)面的涵義。根據(jù)我們最近進(jìn)行的一項(xiàng)抽樣調(diào)查，該詞能喚起人類的以下聯(lián)想：（1）黏糊糊的寄生生物，隨時(shí)準(zhǔn)備出人意料地跳到你臉上，將幼蟲植入你的體內(nèi)；或者（2）采摘甘藍(lán)菜的人[4]。（向布利邊人道歉：他們就是那種黏糊糊的寄生生物，隨時(shí)準(zhǔn)備出人意料地跳到人臉上，將幼蟲植入他的體內(nèi)。）

我們已經(jīng)討論過這件事，我們不希望再被人稱為“外星人”。從今往后，我們更希望被稱呼為“查克·諾里斯®”[5]。請(qǐng)勿縮寫，也不要加連字符，或者進(jìn)行任何形式的改動(dòng)。復(fù)數(shù)形式也不能改動(dòng)，要這樣寫，就如“嘿，那里走來一個(gè)查克·諾里斯®。等等，那里又走來一個(gè)?！?/P>

最后，我們要給你們幾條建議。

從我們的角度來看，你們地球人長(zhǎng)得同一副模樣。我們分辨出地球人的體型和膚色有些微的差別，這些幾乎無法察覺的差別看上去會(huì)引起無窮無盡的麻煩。但是坦白地說，我們對(duì)你們竟然可以彼此區(qū)分感到萬分驚訝。實(shí)際上，在一次盲測(cè)里，發(fā)現(xiàn)查克·諾里斯®一般都無法察覺到地球人之間的任何不同。地球人真讓人灰心，但我們還要努力與你們好好相處。

當(dāng)你們有心情思考時(shí)，就好好地看下你們對(duì)地球犯下的罪孽。你們正在毀掉這顆星球：把自然資源消耗殆盡，污染空氣，毀掉大海，將許多獨(dú)特的物種永久地滅絕。這完全就是大錯(cuò)誤，更是完全不合情理的。每個(gè)人都知道合乎邏輯的做法是找到別的種族居住的星球，然后把那顆星球毀掉。你們這群呆瓜。你們?cè)趺纯赡苤竿诩磳砼R的星際經(jīng)濟(jì)時(shí)代幸免于難？

順便說一句，我們已經(jīng)推舉出由你們來決定新的銀河系貨幣單位。只要挑一種到處都能找到、外形小巧、票面價(jià)值不大會(huì)弄錯(cuò)的東西。決定權(quán)在你們身上，但我們建議你們選擇倉(cāng)鼠。

話快說到了盡頭，你們的不少做為都讓我們迷惑不解。你們的許多核心概念——譬如原罪、大公無私和大衛(wèi)·哈塞爾霍夫[6]——在地球以外的文化里找不到相似的概念。你們就是銀河系社會(huì)學(xué)者稱為“一群特立獨(dú)行的鴨子”的種族。

但是，因?yàn)橐恍┥形赐耆宓木壒?，我們已?jīng)對(duì)你們產(chǎn)生了一絲感情。只要是為了娛樂的原因，我們很樂意將你們留在身邊。

現(xiàn)在，我們將要離開一會(huì)兒，等到我們回來時(shí)，期待能見到你們已經(jīng)取得了長(zhǎng)足的進(jìn)步，朝著成年的道路前進(jìn)。當(dāng)然，這也就意味著更少的無謂的軍事沖突、更少的電視真人秀節(jié)目，當(dāng)然還有更少的數(shù)獨(dú)游戲。

甭讓我們失望。

[1] 美國(guó)小說家，創(chuàng)作過很多外星人綁架地球人題材的小說，譯林出版社曾出版過他的作品《明日之后》。

[2] 即Digital Subscriber Line，數(shù)字用戶線路，是以電話線為傳輸介質(zhì)的傳輸技術(shù)組合。

[3] 許多自稱遭到外星人綁架的人都聲稱，自己的肛門被外星人檢查過。

[4] 在英語里，Alien既可以表示“外星人”，也是“外國(guó)人”的意思；許多從美國(guó)南部邊境偷渡到美國(guó)的墨西哥非法移民都從事農(nóng)業(yè)工作，主要就是采摘甘藍(lán)菜。因而見著Alien這個(gè)單詞有這樣的聯(lián)想。

[5] 美國(guó)動(dòng)作片演員，空手道世界冠軍，因在《猛龍過江》中與李小龍搏擊而聲名大噪。

[6] 美國(guó)演員，代表作有電視劇《霹靂游俠》和《海灘救護(hù)隊(duì)》，曾被迪斯尼記錄列為“全球被觀看人數(shù)最多的電視明星”。

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