Love is as critical for your mind and body as oxygen. It's not negotiable. The more connected you are, the healthier you will be both physically and emotionally. The less connected you are, the more you are at risk.

It is also true that the less love you have, the more depression you are likely to experience in your life. Love is probably the best antidepressant there is because one of the most common sources of depression is feeling unloved. Most depressed people don't love themselves and they do not feel loved by others. They also are very self-focused, making them less attractive to others and depriving them of opportunities to learn the skills of love.

There is a mythology in our culture that love just happens. As a result, the depressed often sit around passively waiting for someone to love them. But love doesn't work that way. To get love and keep love you have to go out and be active and learn a variety of specific skills.

Most of us get our ideas of love from popular culture. We come to believe that love is something that sweeps us off our feet. But the pop-culture ideal of love consists of unrealistic images created for entertainment, which is one reason so many of us are set up to be depressed. It's part of our national vulnerability, like eating junk food, constantly stimulated by images of instant gratification. We think it is love when it's simply distraction and infatuation.

One consequence is that when we hit real love we become upset and disappointed because there are many things that do not fit the cultural ideal. Some of us get demanding and controlling, wanting someone else to do what we think our ideal of romance should be, without realizing our ideal is misplaced.

It is not only possible but necessary to change one's approach to love to ward off depression. Follow these action strategies to get more of what you want out of life—to love and be loved.

* Recognize the difference between limerance and love. Limerance is the psychological state of deep infatuation. It feels good but rarely lasts. Limerance is that first stage of mad attraction whereby all the hormones are flowing and things feel so right. Limerance lasts, on average, six months. It can progress to love. Love mostly starts out as limerance, but limerance doesn't always evolve into love.

* Know that love is a learned skill, not something that comes from hormones or emotion particularly. Erich Fromm called it "an act of will." If you don't learn the skills of love you virtually guarantee that you will be depressed, not only because you will not be connected enough but because you will have many failure experiences.

* Learn good communication skills. They are a means by which you develop trust and intensify connection. The more you can communicate the less depressed you will be because you will feel known and understood.

There are always core differences between two people, no matter how good or close you are, and if the relationship is going right those differences surface. The issue then is to identify the differences and negotiate them so that they don't distance you or kill the relationship.

You do that by understanding where the other person is coming from, who that person is, and by being able to represent yourself. When the differences are known you must be able to negotiate and compromise on them until you find a common ground that works for both.

Focus on the other person. Rather than focus on what you are getting and how you are being treated, read your partner's need. What does this person really need for his/her own well-being? This is a very tough skill for people to learn in our narcissistic culture. Of course, you don't lose yourself in the process; you make sure you're also doing enough self-care. Help someone else. Depression keeps people so focused on themselves they don't get outside themselves enough to be able to learn to love. The more you can focus on others and learn to respond and meet their needs, the better you are going to do in love. Develop the ability to accommodate simultaneous reality. The loved one's reality is as important as your own, and you need to be as aware of it as of your own. What are they really saying, what are they really needing? Depressed people think the only reality is their own depressed reality. Actively dispute your internal messages of inadequacy. Sensitivity to rejection is a cardinal feature of depression. As a consequence of low self-esteem, every relationship blip is interpreted far too personally as evidence of inadequacy. Quick to feel rejected by a partner, you then believe it is the treatment you fundamentally deserve. But the rejection really originates in you, and the feelings of inadequacy are the depression speaking.

Recognize that the internal voice is strong but it's not real. Talk back to it. "I'm not really being rejected, this isn't really evidence of inadequacy. I made a mistake." Or "this isn't about me, this is something I just didn't know how to do and now I'll learn." When you reframe the situation to something more adequate, you can act again in an effective way and you can find and keep the love that you need.

愛對(duì)你的情緒和身體來說，跟氧氣一樣重要。這點(diǎn)無需置疑。你和別人關(guān)系越緊密，就會(huì)越健康，不僅在身體上情緒方面也是如此。而如果與別人越疏離，對(duì)健康的威脅就會(huì)越大。

同樣，你擁有的愛越少，在你的一生中更可能經(jīng)歷抑郁。愛，可能是最好的抗抑郁藥，因?yàn)橄萑胍钟糇钪匾脑蛑痪褪歉杏X沒人愛。大多數(shù)抑郁的人不愛自己，也感覺不到有人愛他們。他們還總是把注意力集中在自己身上，這大大降低了他們的吸引力，也使得那些讓他們學(xué)會(huì)去愛的機(jī)會(huì)白白溜走。

在我們的文化里，人們盲目相信愛情是可遇不可求的。正因如此，那些郁悶的人總是守株待兔，被動(dòng)地等著別人來愛他們。不過，愛情并不是這樣。得到愛、維持愛，必須走出去、主動(dòng)地學(xué)習(xí)一系列專門的方法。

我們中的大多數(shù)人通過流行文化中來了解愛情。我們開始相信愛情是突然到來、讓我們猝不及防、無力招架的東西。不過流行文化中的理想愛情包括了很多為了娛樂效果而特地制造出來的、不現(xiàn)實(shí)的情景，這也是我們陷入抑郁的一個(gè)陷阱。我們天生就有脆弱的一面，比如大嚼垃圾食品、總是能被那些立即讓人滿足的畫面所打動(dòng)。我們認(rèn)為那就是愛情了，而實(shí)際上那只不過是分心或是迷戀。

而這樣的結(jié)果之一是，當(dāng)遇到真愛，會(huì)讓我們沮喪和失望，因?yàn)橛刑嗟氖虑楹土餍形幕嬖V我們的理想不同。有些人要求高、有控制欲、想讓別人做出那些我們以為理想的戀愛中應(yīng)該發(fā)生的那些事情，但他們并沒有意識(shí)到，這種“理想”是一種錯(cuò)誤。

為了不在抑郁，改變我們愛人的方式不僅可能而且也是必須的。遵守下面這些行動(dòng)原則，能讓你在生活中獲得更多——愛和被愛。

* 認(rèn)識(shí)到沉迷（limerance）和愛情的區(qū)別。沉迷是一種深度迷戀的心理狀態(tài)。在這種狀態(tài)下，人們感覺良好，但這種感覺很難持久。沉迷是瘋狂迷戀的第一個(gè)階段，這時(shí)候荷爾蒙被高度調(diào)動(dòng)，一切都是那么美好。沉迷平均會(huì)持續(xù)六個(gè)月。它能發(fā)展成愛情。愛情往往從沉迷愛是，不過沉迷卻不是總會(huì)變成愛情。

* 認(rèn)識(shí)到愛是一種后天習(xí)得的能力，而不是從荷爾蒙或者情緒直接演變出來的產(chǎn)物。Erich Fromm把它乘坐“意志行為”。如果你不學(xué)會(huì)愛的技巧，很容易會(huì)沮喪，這不單是因?yàn)槟悴荒芎蛯?duì)方心靈相通，還因?yàn)槟銜?huì)經(jīng)歷很多的失敗。

* 學(xué)習(xí)良好的交流技巧。這是產(chǎn)生信任、加深默契的關(guān)鍵。越會(huì)交流，也就越少抑郁，因?yàn)槟銜?huì)感到自己被了解、被理解。

兩個(gè)人之間總會(huì)有些根本的差異，不論他們多要好、多親密。如果你們的關(guān)系發(fā)展正常，這些差異就會(huì)浮現(xiàn)出來。接下來要解決的問題就是明確這些差異，并協(xié)調(diào)差異，這樣兩個(gè)人之前才不會(huì)有距離、關(guān)系才能維持下去。

你要了解另一半從何處而來、是個(gè)怎樣的人，還要能表達(dá)你自己。發(fā)現(xiàn)差異之后，你們還要協(xié)調(diào)這種差異，直到找到一個(gè)對(duì)兩人都可行的方法。

把注意力放在另一半身上。與其注意自己得到什么、對(duì)方如何對(duì)待自己，不如去了解對(duì)方的需要。為了他/她自己好，對(duì)方到底需要什么？在我們這個(gè)自我中心的文化中，學(xué)習(xí)這種能力并不容易。當(dāng)然，也不要在這個(gè)過程中迷失自我，你還要確保自己有足夠的自我保護(hù)。幫助別人。抑郁讓人們過分關(guān)注自己，他們總不能走出自我的藩籬去學(xué)習(xí)如何去愛。如果能夠更關(guān)注他人、學(xué)習(xí)如何去應(yīng)對(duì)、滿足別人的需求，你也會(huì)在愛情中做的更好。掌握適應(yīng)現(xiàn)實(shí)環(huán)境的能力也很重要。所愛的現(xiàn)實(shí)和你自己的現(xiàn)實(shí)同樣重要，你需要和了解自己一樣去了解對(duì)方的實(shí)際情況。他們到底說的是什么？到底需要的是什么？抑郁的人總認(rèn)為唯一的現(xiàn)實(shí)就是他們自己抑郁的這個(gè)現(xiàn)實(shí)。主動(dòng)去挑戰(zhàn)自己內(nèi)心的欠缺感。對(duì)拒絕敏感是抑郁的重要特征之一。自尊感低的結(jié)果是，將每次關(guān)系的曇花一現(xiàn)，都解釋為自己的原因，認(rèn)為是自己沒用?？偸呛芸炀陀X得被伴侶拒絕，你就會(huì)相信這是你本來就該承受的。但實(shí)際上，拒絕實(shí)際上來自于你自己，這種無用感是抑郁在說話。

認(rèn)識(shí)到內(nèi)心的聲音雖然強(qiáng)烈但并不是現(xiàn)實(shí)。跟它針鋒相對(duì)?！拔也⒉皇钦姹痪芙^，這才不能證明我沒用。我就是犯了個(gè)錯(cuò)?！被蛘哌@樣，“這不是針對(duì)我，只是我不知道該怎么做，現(xiàn)在我會(huì)去學(xué)?！碑?dāng)你重新理清情況，進(jìn)行更為合理的解釋，你將能能有效的行動(dòng)，找到并擁有一份自己需要的愛情。

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