I watch what I do to see what I really believe.

Belief and faith are not just words. It's one thing for me to say I'm a Christian, but I have to embody what it means; I have to live it. So, writing this essay and knowing I'll share it in a public way becomes an occasion for me to look deeply at what I really believe by how I act.

"Love your neighbor as yourself," Jesus said, and as a beginner nun I tried earnestly to love my neighbor — the children I taught, their parents, my fellow teachers, my fellow nuns. But for a long time, the circle of my loving care was small and, for the most part, included only white, middle-class people like me. But one day I woke up to Jesus' deeper challenge to love the outcast, the criminal, the underdog. So I packed my stuff and moved into a noisy, violent housing project in an African-American neighborhood in New Orleans.

I saw the suffering and I let myself feel it: the sound of gunshots in the night, mothers calling out for their children. I saw the injustice and was compelled to do something about it. I changed from being a nun who only prayed for the suffering world to a nun with my sleeves rolled up, living my prayer. Working in that community in New Orleans soon led me to Louisiana's death row.

So, I keep watching what I do to see what I actually believe.

Jesus' biggest challenge to us is to love our enemies. On death row, I encountered the enemy — those considered so irredeemable by our society that even our Supreme Court has made it legal to kill them. For 20 years now, I've been visiting people on death row, and I have accompanied six human beings to their deaths. As each has been killed, I have told them to look at me. I want them to see a loving face when they die. I want my face to carry the love that tells them that they and every one of us are worth more than our most terrible acts.

But I knew being with the perpetrators wasn't enough. I also had to reach out to victims' families. I visited the families who wanted to see me, and I founded a victims support group in New Orleans. It was a big stretch for me, loving both perpetrators and victims' families, and most of the time I fail because so often a victim's families interpret my care for perpetrators as choosing sides — the wrong side. I understand that, but I don't stop reaching out.

I've learned from victims' families just how alone many of them feel. The murder of their loved one is so horrible, their pain so great, that most people stay away. But they need people to visit, to listen, to care. It doesn't take anyone special, just someone who cares.

Writing this essay reminds me, as an ordinary person, that it's important to take stock, to see where I am. The only way I know what I really believe is by keeping watch over what I do.

Independently produced for Weekend Edition Sunday by Jay Allison and Dan Gediman with John Gregory and Viki Merrick.

我監(jiān)督自己的所做所為來(lái)確認(rèn)自己真正的信仰。

信仰并非只是口頭上的。宣稱自己是基督徒是一回事，但我還需要用行動(dòng)來(lái)詮釋這一信仰。我必須實(shí)踐這個(gè)信仰。因此，撰寫這篇文章并與公眾一同分享這一點(diǎn)對(duì)我來(lái)說(shuō)非常重要：監(jiān)督我自己的行為來(lái)更確認(rèn)我的信仰。

耶穌說(shuō)“愛(ài)鄰如己”。 作為一個(gè)菜鳥修女我曾最大熱情的去愛(ài)我的鄰居們 —— 那些我教導(dǎo)的小孩，小孩的父母，我的老師們，我的修女同伴們。但是時(shí)間一長(zhǎng)，我發(fā)現(xiàn)這個(gè)愛(ài)的圈子就變小了，并且其中的大部分都是與我相似的白人中產(chǎn)階級(jí)。直到一天我突然意識(shí)到耶穌信仰中的更大的挑戰(zhàn)：去愛(ài)那些被拋棄的人，罪犯，失敗者。因此我打點(diǎn)好行裝，搬進(jìn)在新奧爾良的一個(gè)非洲裔美國(guó)人社區(qū)。那里充滿了噪音和暴力犯罪。

我觸摸和體驗(yàn)到了這里的苦難：那些同時(shí)在深夜里飄蕩著的槍聲和母親對(duì)孩子的呼喚。我看到了這里的種種不公，并不由自主的想做一點(diǎn)事情。我從一個(gè)僅僅為世間苦難祈禱的修女變成了一個(gè)卷起袖子去實(shí)現(xiàn)禱告的修女。在新奧爾良黑人社區(qū)的侍奉很快又帶領(lǐng)我去了路易斯安那州的死囚牢。

我一直通過(guò)監(jiān)督我的行為來(lái)確認(rèn)我的信仰。

耶穌給我們的最大挑戰(zhàn)是去愛(ài)我們的仇敵。在死囚牢，我遇到了這些敵人 —— 那些被社會(huì)認(rèn)為無(wú)可救藥的甚至被最高法院判處死刑的人。在過(guò)去的20年，我一直在探訪這些死刑犯，并陪伴了其中的六人的死刑。在他們被處死的時(shí)候，我告訴他們看著我。我想讓他們?cè)谒赖臅r(shí)候看到一張充滿愛(ài)心的臉。我想通過(guò)我的臉傳遞給他們一個(gè)信息，那就是他們和我們每一個(gè)人都可以更有價(jià)值，比起我們過(guò)去可怕的罪孽。

我知道僅僅陪伴犯罪者是不夠的，我還需要把手伸向他們的家庭。我訪問(wèn)了那些愿意接納我的家庭，在新奧爾良籌建了一個(gè)支持他們的組織。這對(duì)我來(lái)說(shuō)是一個(gè)非常大的拓展——去愛(ài)罪犯以及他們的家人。大部分的時(shí)候我都失敗了，因?yàn)檫@些家庭往往認(rèn)為我對(duì)罪犯的關(guān)心是自討沒(méi)趣。我理解，但沒(méi)有放棄。

我了解到那些犯罪者的家屬是多么的孤獨(dú)。人們因?yàn)樾袃凑叩目膳露h(yuǎn)離了這些家庭。卻忽略了犯罪者親屬的痛苦也是巨大的。他們需要人們的探訪，傾聽(tīng)和關(guān)心。這并不是特殊的人才可以做到的事情，愿意去關(guān)心的人都可以做到。

撰寫本文提醒了我，作為一個(gè)普通人，盤點(diǎn)一下自己在信仰中所處的位置是非常重要的。我所知道的確認(rèn)自己真正信仰的唯一方法就是監(jiān)督自己的所做所為。

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